On reading the book 'The Four Hour Work Week' only a few weeks back, I came across a principle that blew my mind-'Pareto Principle' aka 'The 80-20 Rule'. As per the rule, 20% of input( time, resources, effort) accounts for 80% output(results, rewards). When I investigated the principle further, I was astounded to see how much it made sense in my life. Just like Pareto said, almost 80% of my happiness and growth came from about only 20% of areas where I invested my time and energy. On the flip side, I spent 80% of my time, either on nonsensical things or on doing what was somehow detrimental to my growth and happiness.
I understood Pareto's principle even better when I started analyzing my relationships with people in general. Most of us are fortunate enough to know at least some people in our lives who we can count on in times of need, the ones that applaud us when we achieve something worthwhile, the ones that uplift us, love us, bring out the best in us. Likewise, we can consider ourselves extremely lucky if we haven't yet come across people who mock us, who shower their hatred on us for no reason, who are overly critical and demeaning of us, who don't seem to reciprocate our kindness at all! In my case, the people I labeled 'toxic' comprised a teeny-tiny fraction on my overall 'relationships'-chart. However, the amount of unhappiness and anxiety I faced worrying about their toxic remarks was way out of proportion. It was worse than 80-20, and this disproportionate focus on them led me to ignore all the beautiful relationships with nurturing, positive people I am lucky to have in my life.
In the book, 'The Four Hour Workweek'-author Tim Ferris mainly discusses the importance of applying the Pareto Principle in business. But it dawned on me how tremendously our lives could benefit if we could implement this rule in our relationships with people. If you find yourself trapped in the never-ending loop of unhealthy relationships, first, ask yourself this question without letting it perpetuate into self-doubt- "IS IT ME"? If not, it's time you asked yourself these questions:
Do the people around you support you, or are they overly cynical of you?
Do they encourage you to pursue your dreams, or do they attempt to make you doubt your potential?
Are they loving and friendly, or do they frequently take digs at you?
Will they be happy to see you live your dreams, or are they insecure individuals who have secret envy and loathing towards you, be it conscious or unconscious?
If we find ourselves a victim of toxic relationships, it's time to flip the 80-20 graph in our life. We need to limit our interactions with toxic people. Remember, I am not just talking about physical interactions like visiting their homes, hanging in the same group, shopping, or lunching together. I am also talking about mental interactions. Every time we replay their toxic behavior in our heads or spend time thinking about why they do what they do, we are giving away our power. We rarely arrive at any conclusion, and the whole process drains us of our mental and emotional energy. On the other hand, by focusing on positive people and spending our time and energy on those who have our best interest in their minds, we can make the best use of our time that is slowly slipping away.
We often keep on succumbing to unhealthy relationships because we are scared of being left out. In such scenarios, it's important to remember that time heals everything. And sometimes, solitude is better than being surrounded by energy-vampires and dream-stealers. Our days are numbered anyway, and our relationships aren't supposed to be a struggle, they are supposed to be our source of fulfillment. And most likely, sooner or later, we will come across like-minded individuals if we march ahead in life with an open heart.
I admit that sometimes, cutting off cords with people might not be an easy solution, especially when we share a family with them or when we love them dearly. I also admit that none of us are perfect, that a little bit of 'this and that' is acceptable in any relationship. But, some people seem to justify their inappropriate behavior and condescending remarks as humor, or as just another peculiarity in their personality. There are people who, even on repeated reminders, fail to accept any accountability for their toxic behavior. In that case, I find it necessary to remember an aphorism- 'Your freedom ends where my nose begins.' We can have our unique personalities and our unique way of dealing with things. But the moment 'our way' starts encroaching on another person's boundaries, it is a problem that needs rectification.
Here are my final words to those who are still reading this blog: Find a way to reset your boundaries, and if you think it's too much, let go of toxic relationships. Like famous Spanish prose writer, Baltasar Gracian said centuries ago,
"Do not die of another person's misery."
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