The Perks Of Being Scarcely Available

Have you ever wondered why introverted people are more attractive? How often have you had an attraction towards someone that seemed to melt away the moment they started being friendly to you? Have you realized how often men and women crush on those from other streams or colleges? 

There seems to be an aura around people who don't communicate to us much. They seem to have a veiled mystery in them and there is something about their presence that is often queer yet magnetic. Often, people romanticize those who are distant to them and sadly take for granted those who are nearer to them. Maybe that's why feelings of attraction often fade away in the first few months of a relationship, making space for a lot of trust and commitment from both sides to make it work.

I always knew there was something common about a few personalities that attracted me. When I came across the video from The School of Life, 'The Charms of Unavailable People', I actually could figure out what it was about the characters I was attracted to that was so magnetic and powerful. My major movie crushes were Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, Wolverine from Xmen while my Disney crushes as a teenager were Nick-the red ranger from Power-Rangers Mystic Force, and Alex's brother-Justin from 'Wizards of Waverly Place'. This also sums up why no matter how adorable Joey is, I would never say he has been as intriguing to me as Darcy.

It was their laconic manners that made them mysterious. It was the unsaid words that made them attractive, at least to me!

However, all that glitters is not gold. Darcy, Wolverine, Nick or Justin had to be perfect, they were characters on TV after all. But, I have often seen people complain after the first few months of their relationship that all the charm was gone and they no longer felt butterflies dance in their stomach when they saw the other person. The obsession, though seems strong at the moment is ephemeral and fades away when we are exposed to the other person's imperfections. And on the flip side, it is often difficult to get over someone who was never vulnerable to us in any way because they still retain their mysterious charm of unavailability in our minds. Ironically, very often this feeling could have easily passed if we knew the person in all their rawness.

While one might be tempted to use the perks of unavailability to garner attention and appear more attractive, it's important to remember that relationships are nurtured through originality, vulnerability, and trust. While the charm of 'unavailability' might be luring and attractive in the beginning, it's important to know that it is illusory and fleeting and would easily wither away if we knew the person as they are- imperfect and human!

But sometimes, this knowledge could avail to our advantage. This is especially important when we notice that people seem to disrespect us and take us for granted. If we're sure that our relationship to the other person(not-necessarily romantic) isn't something that we would like to commit to for life-long, or that our amiability is being mistaken for saccharinity, making people look down to us, maintaining stern boundaries and minding our own thing by letting go of the need to be extra-nice could give us back our self-esteem. After all, not everyone deserves our vulnerability and trust. Not everyone deserves to know about our imperfections.

If we could recognize the fine line that demarcates when to garner respect vs when to garner trust, we might be able to use the charm of unavailability to our advantage. To me, the only two metrics to decide on are reciprocity and authenticity. I choose to be vulnerable to people if I know they are authentic human beings and that they reciprocate the same to me. And the respect that comes from being authentic and truthful about who we are to the other person is more profound than the one that comes from the illusory charisma of being unavailable.

To sum it up, unavailability somehow makes us attractive. While it is not a wholesome and integral idea to appear unavailable just to garner attention, sometimes, being (not appearing) unavailable to those who take us for granted could give us back our self-esteem. So, the next time your heart skips a beat when you're attracted to the charismatic unavailability in someone, know that this might be the result of not knowing the other person in their wholeness!!! And if you've been taking your loved ones for granted, be mindful of it and know that only depth, commitment, and acceptance of imperfections can lead to fulfilling relationships!